The Piano - a self portrait project
TW: SA, SH
The Piano no.1
The Piano is a personal project exploring the coexistence of dissociation and lucidity that can occur during traumatic events. Through the assembly of individual unclean piano keys, this series processes my own experience of sexual assault, marrying conflicting feelings such as the desire to be used whilst feeling deeply ashamed, as well as simultaneously feeling helpless and having mental clarity. In this black of white space inspired by piano keys, this work invokes a note of recognition that poses 'I see you. Do you see me?'.
In this entry, I would like to share my intentions behind each photo.
In this first image, I felt it important to have a contextual shot to place us in this work’s world. I ordered the keys sequentially but felt it was important to not line them up perfectly. This work lives in a slightly chaotic, delicate and dirty space, reflected in the keys and floor. I feel this image introduces us aptly.
The Piano no.2
No.2 focuses in on a close crop of the body. Piano keys are placed precariously across the breasts so that the chest beneath becomes drenched in their shadows. At first glance it may not seem clear that there is a body in this image, further highlighting the disembodied and dissociative feeling that occurs due to trauma. Invoking a feeling of being buried under the weight of the keys, this composition poses an anxiety that they may collapse and fall to the ground at any moment from any slight movement. This piece mirrors that teetering feeling so often felt in dangerous situations, encouraging us to hold our breaths to prevent volatility.
The Piano no.3 & 4
Channelling the loss of sight of self, these images delicately try to those hold pieces together when one has been psychologically fragmented. Fragmentation is a psychological trauma response that splits the self into separate, non-integrated parts in order to protect the psyche. Specifically, image no.4, which mirrors the form of a skirt, challenges the idea that what women choose to wear has a direct impact on whether they deserved to be sexual assaulted, and the misguided responsibility many women feel because of this.
The Piano no.5
No.5 depicts an energetic scene through the use of motion blur, exploring the transient feeling that one can feel during traumatic events. This piece explores the duality of such moments by keeping only the central keys in focus; the chaos and stillness, the fading away of self (expressed through motion blur of the face) and the loss of control. During these instances, time moves both rapidly and slowly.
The Piano no.6 & 7
Specifically pulling from a personal experience, this diptych highlights the betraying my own body in pursuit of hurt. A common experience in sexual assault survivors is the desire to seek out additional harm in similar ways to the initial assault. This is our brain’s attempt to rewrite the past but unfortunately leads to self harm through sex, reckless behaviour and further trauma. By turning the piano keys on myself, I am offering up my body from my own hands.
The Piano no.8
No.8 is the culmination of this series of work. Firmly in its black and white space, the arching of the back suggests there is a more nuance to be found in these experiences. Different levels of severity in assault and abuse, different long term effects, confusing behaviours - ultimately, they are all valid experiences and reactions to traumatic events that changed the survivors eternally. There is no such thing as a perfect victim and this piece attempts to ask the viewer if that matters.
The eye contact also acts as a direct line to perpetrators. By laying the body bare, this is not an invitation to use it but an invitation to see it for what it is — a vessel for the soul, flawed and human — and how they have misused it.